The Day They Invented Offices
Knowledge Worker: Hey Real Estate Developer, long time no see! How’s business?
Real Estate Developer: Better and better! In fact, I wanted to talk to you about something new we’re working on.
KW: Why me? I’m no expert on real estate?
RED: Bear with me. You can think of it as a new communication technology. You know how when you’re video conferencing, sometimes the connection is unstable? Annoying, right?
KW: It sure is.
RED: So what if I told you I had a technology that would eliminate that entirely. And not only that, but you get perfect immersive 3D.
KW: Whoa! That sounds amazing! How does it work?
RED: Well, it’s simple really. You just rent out a specially-laid-out building, or a suite of rooms in a building, and everyone on your team physically goes there.
KW: Wow, that’s radical! Kind of obvious in retrospect. But hang on — I see some problems.
RED: Yeah, there are some tradeoffs which —
KW: First of all, where are you going to put this thing and how do we get there? My team lives all over the place.
RED: Right, we thought of that, and it’s pretty easy. You just put it more or less in the center of town so it’s no harder for anyone to get there than anyone else. Location, location, location, right?
KW: OK… but which city?
RED: What do you mean?
KW: Well, our team is all over the country. A couple are on another continent.
RED: You just ask everyone to move to San Francisco. Everyone loves San Francisco.
KW: Are you serious?
RED: Sure! It’s a one-time cost.
KW: It’s a one-time cost for the company, but what about the team? They have to uproot their whole lives and go live someplace expensive. Come to think of it, that probably means we’re going to have to pay them more, so it’s not a one-time cost.
RED: New technology does sometimes involve sacrifice.
KW: Okay, okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say we do that. The Bay Area is still a pretty big place. That sounds like a lot of walking and biking to get to downtown SF every day.
RED: Yeah, they’d probably have to drive.
KW: We only have one car… I’d have to get another.
RED: I know, doesn’t that sound nice? Indulge yourself.
KW: I guess… but we’d have to build enough parking for everyone.
RED: Well, we can help with that of course!
KW: Right. But hang on — there’s only so much space at the center of town. What happens as more and more people adopt your amazing technology?
RED: Might have to start making taller buildings.
KW: Sounds expensive.
RED: Sounds good to me. (laughs)
KW: …
RED: So what do you think?
KW: Oh, I’m not done yet; I’m an engineer. So for this to work properly, everyone has to be in the — what did you call it?
RED: “Office.”
KW: — in the “office.” But what about the people who work unusual schedules?
RED: Oh, you’d have to ask everyone to come in at the same time to maximize the benefit.
KW: They’re not going to like that. Also, wouldn’t it be a pain to come all the way home to go grocery shopping or pick kids up from school and then go all the way back?
RED: Yeah, you probably wouldn’t do that.
KW: So you have to save all that up for the end of the day? Won’t the stores be jam packed? And now I have to pay for a few more hours of childcare?
RED: I suppose. I’m sure the free market will come up with solutions.
KW: While we’re on the subject of overcrowding… if everyone arrives and leaves at the same time, and all companies have to be in the same neighborhood, won’t traffic be completely insane twice a day?
RED: Maybe… we’ll have to expand the road capacity I guess.
KW: You want to build our roads out just to accommodate the traffic that happens for an hour twice a day?
RED: Sure. Well, I mean, you could also reorganize your rail network and beef up service to handle the surges. Much higher carrying capacity.
KW: …
RED: So what do you think?
KW: Let me put all of this together. You want us to move everyone to the same city, pay them more so they can afford it, ask them to buy a car and spend 40–120 minutes every day travelling, synchronize their schedules so that everyone is trying to use the same resources at same time (which are then sitting relatively idle the rest of the day), and pay for very expensive central real estate, all for the sake of immersive high bandwidth communication.
RED: Right.
KW: I sure hope you’re using the hell out of that bandwidth every single second.
RED: Oh, no. Lots of people will want walls around their desks to protect them from all the noise and distraction so they can get some work done.
KW: …
RED: But better communication isn’t the only benefit! It makes it much easier to drink and socialize with your coworkers. And it’s also easier for management to look over their shoulders and make sure they’re working.
KW: It makes it more fun not to work, and it makes it easier to spy on workers so you’re sure they’re working. Check. Why would you ever hire employees you can’t trust?
RED: Think of how much it will expand the labor pool!
KW: …
KW: Tell me: how much venture capital have you raised for this idea?
RED: $10B.
KW: Is it possible to short sell a VC?
(With apologies to Bob Newhart.)
